I recently had a reader remind me that no one deserves to be lied to and manipulated. She read my last post about being equally responsible for a split in the relationship. She explained that sometimes, the split happens because one person was a lying and manipulative bastard like her ex-partner. I saw little of myself in her in my hurt and her anguish of being lied to, so I decided to explain a little further what I meant by being equally responsible for a split.
I really hated myself for lying to my ex-husband by telling him everything was fine, when in fact I really disliked our life together and how he was treating me. Then one day I just up and left him. Yes, I lied to him. Yes, I wanted him to continue thinking that I was the perfect wife. In reality, I just gave up on trying to get the relationship I wanted, and lied to keep the peace until the day I decided not to take his crap anymore. I bolted after 13 years. I remember clearly what he told me as he was begging me to come back. He said, “We were the perfect couple. Everyone around us thought we had the model marriage.” I’m sure he didn’t think he deserved what he got, and that I was an evil woman for not giving him any indication that things were wrong. It took many years for me to forgive myself for lying. I finally realized that at the same time I was lying to him, he was ignoring any hints that things were wrong. When he would squash my efforts at doing things on my own, I would smile and tell him that he’s right. But as time wore on, the number of attempts of my doing my own thing grew, but he would continue to try squashing that as he has successfully done over the years. Did he deserve what he got in the end? Yuppers. He was so out of touch on my happiness that when I decided that putting up with it wasn’t worth it anymore, he was in complete shock.
On the other side of the coin, I started my next relationship being 100% honest. I wanted a fresh clean slate and tell my partner everything that was bothering me so that he would understand me completely. I asked him to be 100% honest with me on everything. It turned out he was anything but honest. He lied to me, he cheated on me, and he manipulated me. Did I deserve that? Yuppers. I so much wanted to believe that he was THE ONE that I ignored all the signs that he was a really bad person for me. I thought we got along so well. He made me laugh all the time. He told me dark secrets of his past. He told me I was perfect for him. Whenever I told him that he upset me in some way, he would apologize and tell me that he was going to try harder. The essence of that relationship was that he gave up, but I refused to believe that he couldn’t have possibly wanted anything more than an honest relationship with me. I ignored the warnings about him that came from other people. I ignored that fact that he would make excuses for not being with me on important events. I ignored that fact that he was openly making a sport out of manipulating and lying to others. I ignored all those signs that he was NOT the person I should be with, because I so much wanted to believe he was my soul mate. I was living in a fantasy.
My number one motto in life is to live honestly. But that includes being honest with myself. Actions speak louder than words. There is no way someone can continue manipulating another person unless that person chooses not to see what’s really happening. We are responsible for sniffing out the people who are bad for us, even if they keep up appearances. Sniffing out the manipulators is not a skill that we are born with. It’s something we pick up in our experience of the world. As we become more in tune with what we want out of life, we start to see more quickly when things aren’t going in that direction. The sooner we admit to ourselves that we are responsible for choosing our partner, the less likely we are surprised in the end when things don’t work out.
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5 May 2009 at 6:03 pm
Groundy
Van I applaud this post.
I haven’t been around because I allowed myself to get suckered back into a relationship with the jackassjerkmofo.
I allowed myself to be suckered… yes, that’s right. I got hooked on the Hollywood moments in our lives that one would swear were written by Hollywood.
Those are his words, not mine. I look at them now and think OMG that’s not Hollywood, that’s friggen skid row delusional.
You see, once you’ve been enmeshed in a co-dependent relationship and get out you think that you’re invincible. “I have my act together now; he can’t do that to me again.”
It’s not true. He can and will. You become an enabler as well, especially if the jackassjerkmofo has a chemical dependency issue or alcoholic.
A part of you wants that perfect couple. 13 years is a long time to invest in a relationship.
I know mine was that long as well. I went back for 3 months hoping that something had changed. Nothing had, same crap, same lies. He still can’t keep his dick in his pants. He brags about the chick he banged at his job. How he plans to take her down, professionally to ruin her career. It is all in retaliation for her not wanting him or his abuse.
He still wakes up in the middle of the night to drink.
That’s not the life I want to live my golden years in.
Man, I’ve learned a lot about me in the 18 months I was away.
I like who I have become.
Strong, independent and most of all Grounded
Lots of deep thoughts and hugs to you Van…
I am Groundy once again.
6 May 2009 at 4:16 pm
Van
Hi Groundy!! Really good to hear from you again. I honestly can’t believe you got suckered back in with jerkassmofo! He’s a dangerous one that. I guess sometimes, you just got to poke a dead rat several times just to make sure he’s dead. I hope you convinced yourself that he sets the barometer for turdfaces. I’m really glad you have grounded yourself a little bit more from that experience. Please DON’T go back for any more lessons! Class OVER!
6 May 2009 at 8:09 pm
groundy
Van, I had to see something. I needed to make sure I was there and actually done. Which I was.
He told someone that he would never take me back, he’d turn gay first… well, I told him I guess he’s just really a closet Barry Manilow lover.
I spent 3 months going through my own personal stages of being sure. It was like a game to me, the entire ordeal. I wondered if I was really in love with him or the idea of being love. 13 years of my life was on a roller coaster ride that ended in hell. I walked out with myself esteem in check and lots of questions answered.
I wasn’t even hurt that someone else had slept in my bed and were in my ‘home’.. as it is now not my home. When I left I could not wait to get back to my home and I told him that. I wanted to go home, to my house.
I am done.. the experiment is over and I passed!
Hugssss
Groundy
14 March 2010 at 4:14 am
Patrick
Hello,
Thank you for this wise post. I’m going through something quite similiar at this very moment, but I’ve been able to find peace with it and break the cycle of abuse.
Patrick