You’ve heard many people tell you that marriage is hard work. You’ve heard them tell you that once the honeymoon is over, a good relationship requires both people to continuously fight to keep it alive. Well I say phooey to hard work. Phooey to sacrifice. Phooey to getting walked all over on by someone who is suppose to care about you. A good relationship should have some compromises, but it should NOT be hard to keep going.
Don’t think that keeping a good relationship is an ongoing battle that you have to fight every day of your life. Don’t let people scare you into thinking that you are trapped in a slave labor camp if you don’t want to be lonely. It’s all rubbish. I’ve had the opportunity to interview several happily married couples who have been together for decades, and I’ve found that the key to keeping a healthy relationship going is to understand where the equilibrium is at all times, and then maintain it at the equilibrium.
The three identities of a relationship are you, your partner, and the relationship. All three components need equal attention. If any of those identities is out of balance, you will have problems. When both individuals understand this equilibrium, there is little need for anyone to be working hard.
Is it hard to hang out with your best friend? I’m guessing that it isn’t. You each live your own lives, but know exactly when to support each other. You both have a great time doing things together, but go your individual ways when it’s time to go home. Everything is balanced, which is why she is your BFF.
Why should it be different in a long term relationship? Like your relationship with your BFF, being with your man should have an equilibrium where things are balanced. If you seem to be giving him too much attention and sacrifice of your time and energy, then your relationship is not balanced. If he is giving too much attention to you and not doing his own things, then your relationship is not balanced. If both of you are doing things together ALL the time, then your relationship is not balanced.
If your relationship seems to be hard work, then you’re probably not seeing the imbalance. It’s hard work only if you don’t understand the solution. Once you understand where the imbalance is, you simply do what it takes to balance it. If you’re giving too much to him, stop and take some time out for yourself. If he’s giving too much to you, then ask him to stop and enjoy himself in activities without you. If neither of you are spending much time together, then DUH…go do things you enjoy together. Successful finances in a relationship works the exact same way. You have your own spending money, he has his own spending money, and you both have a shared account for shared expenses.
If you two can’t agree on how to achieve balance and you seem to be constantly arguing over the same things, then you need to take a close look at the person with whom you’re committed. You might not be compatible. You better figure out that sh*t fast or you’d be spinning your wheels trying to get to the equilibrium. It’s one thing to see the imbalance and know what you have to do. It’s an entirely different problem to see the imbalance but keep arguing over the equilibrium. You BOTH have to agree on the equilibrium. This where you must both agree on values. If you do not possess the same values as your man, then pack your things because each of you would have to go through years of life experience to change that, and there’s no guarantee that you both will change to the same values.
People who are unhappy with their relationships will tell you it’s hard work. People who are happy will tell you that they have ups and downs, but overall they’re very happy. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the ones who are complaining the most about their relationships are the ones who tell you it’s hard work. Just because someone is in a long term relationship doesn’t mean they’re in a healthy relationship. Don’t listen to people who tell you it’s a lot of hard work and sacrifice.