Thinking it invites it into your life.

Well it’s been a long time since an update. That’s probably because I really don’t have any jerk musings to complain about anymore. Yup, the old jerk diet has really done my self esteem and confidence wonders.

I still see a lot of emotional suffering around me, but I choose not to get involved in them if I can help it. I’m quite happy now thinking about things of present. I retired from professional fighting, but found joy in coaching other fighters discover their capabilities.

This little update is just to remind you that when you can’t stop thinking about that asswipe or that stupid whore who hurt you so deeply, you are inviting them to be part of your life. That’s alright, though. By the nature of this blog, I’ve had to think hard about the past hurt, and dwell on it a bit. But it was with the intention to process it all the way through so I could move on. It took me a couple of years, but I eventually got past it, without carrying blame for anyone. That’s only because I envisioned the end. I didn’t invite these feelings in without an exit plan, which would have been the definition of insanity. Allowing in feelings of hurt and anger just to perpetuate it is a very sorry excuse of a life. Go on and allow these bad feelings, but each time you do, learn to figure out a way to feel good about yourself after each session. The more you do that, the less of an effect those feelings have for you the next time you think about them.

There may be forces in the world dealing you a bad hand, but keep in mind that you really only have what’s in front of you right now. Obsessing over something that is not in front of you obstructs your ability to enjoy what you have in front of you.

The first thing I had to admit was that I was the cause of my own unhappiness. It’s not really a jerk’s fault that I was unhappy, but instead it was my choice to allow jerks to affect me. A jerk is a jerk is a jerk, and these types had been brought to my life because I allowed it. I knew in the back of my head that the things I was doing was not really bringing me inner peace, and yet I did them anyways because it was what I knew, and it seemed exciting. Jerks came and went, and that was a chapter in my life that I neither regret, nor do I yearn to have back. Self discovery of what I really wanted dictated that jerks were no longer required in life…and so it was.

Those of you who see your happiness on the other side of some fence (tangible or intangible) don’t realize just how close it is. Happiness is a choice. Things happen in life, some of which you can directly control, and some of which you can’t. But you are in full control of how you perceive things.  Who can blame you for wanting the excitement of victimization? I wanted it before and I got exactly what I wanted. Life moves you through emotions. When you find emotion from the huge swings of positive and negative feelings, you are certainly alive, but you are not at peace.

For me nowadays, the emotions that drive me are the thrills of discovering my own creativity and how it relates to others. Certainly not the excitement of being a victim, a psycho bitch, or a jerk, but it’s my little piece of peace in life. I have little bitterness left for the past, and I’ve moved on, which is why I don’t post as much on this blog anymore.  Wherever you are in life, may you eventually find your peace.

Life is so much more enjoyable when the glass is half full. Which attitude would a potential employer want the candidate to be thinking: “I need this job or I’ll die a poor beggar in the street…” or “This job would be the perfect opportunity to gain the skills I want while challenging myself.”

Ladies, which would you rather have run through your boyfriend’s mind…”If I don’t marry her, she’ll leave me and I’ll be alone because no one else will love me…” or “If I marry her, we would have such an awesome life together…” No brainer isn’t it?

Short but sweet post today…never do anything out of desperation. The universe works against you when you emit that energy. Things work out much better when you are grateful for the situation as an opportunity. If it’s your only hope, then forget about it. If it’s a chance to enhance an already good life, then go for it!

I’ve only introduced 3 other men to the family, and in all cases previous, the family were not agreeable. But at those times, I didn’t realize how screwed up my ability to pick men was. The men I chose were only a reflection of how poorly I viewed myself and how insecure I was with what I wanted. I remember being nervous about introducing them and trying to present them in a way that would make them sound hard-working, honorable, and respectable. I remember even trying to prep them in what to say or do in front of the family. But the family sniffed right through them, and the criticism soon surface. I didn’t want to believe their assessments, so I would rationalize that it didn’t matter what they thought because they really didn’t understand what made me happy.

But this time was different. I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t insecure about the judgement, and I was actually looking forward to hearing what they thought of him. The entire experience was incredibly pleasant, and the family really liked him. This time was different because I was different. I had evolved into someone who realized that I had been choosing partners that were appropriate to my mindset. If I was insecure, blameful, unhappy with life, then I chose a man who kept me insecure, blameful, and unhappy. If I was confident, compassionate, and happy, then I chose a man who will keep me confident, compassionate, and happy. The formula is very simple: THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU ARE A REFLECTION OF HOW YOU VIEW YOURSELF. No man was ever going to save me from my former pathetic self. As soon as I realized that and changed how I viewed myself, the perfect man appeared who would make me continue to feel good about myself. It’s the law of attraction simply put, but it actually works.

When we don’t realize how poorly we think of ourselves, we surround ourselves with things that continue to make us feel that way. You might not even realize that you think poorly of yourself. You might think that you are happy with yourself. You may think that you deserve better than what you’re getting. You may even think that you’re doing things to make your situation better. But here are a few hints that indicate otherwise:

• Are you with someone who makes you unhappy or uneasy?
• Are you blameful of someone for making you unhappy or ruining your life?
• Do people close to you think you shouldn’t be hanging around someone because they believe he is harmful to your life?
• Do things always seem to go wrong in your life and you can’t seem to catch a break?
• Are you with someone who makes you unhappy or uneasy? (oh, did I already ask that?)

So back to my story. I remember telling my boyfriend that all he needed to be was himself and requested that he didn’t try to be anything he wasn’t. I was completely confident that just by being himself, the family would see his genuine nature. I knew that I was with someone who was honest, compassionate, and loyal, which was everything that I knew I was. So I wasn’t at all nervous of the meeting. I even told myself that if my family saw something that I didn’t, that I would actually take heed of their perspective instead of dismissing it. Everything went well and the family saw what I saw. No front, no pretense, no bullshit, no drama. That was a perfect reflection of how I saw myself.

I had a nice chat with my grandma just after he caught his flight back to New Zealand. She told me she already loves him and was already missing him. No front, no pretense, no drama…that’s the way life should be.

Firstly, I watched the movie “Marley and Me”. My friend warned me not to watch it unless I was willing to massively cry. Well I did massively cry, I’m talking liquid snots galore, much to the amusement of my partner. But the reason for crying doesn’t really relate to this topic. It was the story of the husband and wife relationship in that movie that reminded me of the reason why we bother committing to someone else. A committed relationship isn’t for everyone. Some people are quite bent on seeking fame, fortune, and glory. The considerate ones in this bunch realize that they can’t fairly commit to share their lives with someone. The dickwads of this bunch don’t realize or refuse to realize that they shouldn’t be committing to anyone, so they haphazardly promise to share their lives while continuing their aspirations alone. The couple in the movie had their ups and downs, but three things were consistent throughout: sharing of emotions, sharing of values, and Marley. Well Marley died and I cried, but the other two consistencies is what made the relationship work.

The second incident that triggered this post was my conversation with a friend who admitted he loved his wife, but really wasn’t ever in love with his wife. Everyone has their own reasons for being in their relationship, but here is my blunt assessment based on my experience. You cannot be committed to sharing your life with someone without first being in love with that person. Perhaps some relationships are based on an arrangement where they agree “You do your thing, and I’ll do my thing, and let’s see how long we can last together.” This would be a case of relationship of convenience rather than for love, which might work so long as both parties see it that way. Both parties in this case may actually love each other, but they certainly wouldn’t be “in love” with each other.

So what’s the difference between being in a relationship with someone you love and being in a relationship with someone you’re “in love” with? The difference is whether or not you find fulfillment in sharing and creating things with that person. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having your own individualism and your own private hobbies and work life. But when it comes to being in love with someone, you look forward to sharing large chunks of your life with that person. You find joy in doing things with that person. You want that person to emotionally support you in whatever you decide to do.

When you first start out your relationship, you probably want to share everything with that person, and you want to do everything with that person. We all know that doesn’t last, because you eventually regain your sense of individualism and become more balanced. But if you lose almost all inclination to share your life with that person, you have indeed fallen out of love and should seriously think about moving on, and that’s OK. We all go through that evaluation period where we fall in love and then fall out of love. It really has nothing to do with whether or not you love the person, and more to do with whether or not that person is the right one for commitment. This is why we date each other, then get engaged, and then get married.

There is nothing wrong with that process and nothing wrong with stopping the process when it no longer applies. But here’s the part where many people trip up. That is not realizing you’re unsuited for your partner after you’ve fallen out of love with that person. Some people don’t even realize that they were never in love with that person. Maybe they’re tired of looking and will settle for who they’re with, or maybe they can’t find a reason to leave, or maybe that person looks so good with them in public. In any of these cases, they’ve already deadened the relationship right at the point where they no longer want to emotionally involve the other person in their life. They might do things for show. They might show up to parties together, but there is no real connection with each other, which makes that relationship extremely vulnerable to things outside the relationship.

So in summary, the point at which you no longer want to share your true feelings with another person and create things with the other person is the point at which you are no longer in love. Perhaps you may be in love with your partner, but maybe your partner isn’t in love with you (I personally find it hard to be in love with someone who isn’t in love with me, so it’s more likely you’re living a fantasy if that’s the case). Like I always say, there’s no right or wrong to your relationship, but if you don’t recognize the true nature of your relationship, then you’re more likely to be shocked and hurt when it doesn’t work out.

A healthy argument is a good. That’s when both sides challenge each other’s viewpoints with the goal of possibly gaining a broader understanding of the topic. Personally, I like arguments that end in my having a more well-rounded view of what I was arguing. But when you argue for the sake of arguing and you set out to prove that you are right, you are closing off yourself from personal growth.

In arguing to be right, you not only close off your own growth, but you turn off others from understanding your viewpoint. Have you ever argued with someone who initially expressed his opinions but suddenly clammed up? That’s a hint. Many men in committed relationships realize the futility of arguing with a woman on a mission. Their attitude is to pick their battles, so they don’t argue on anything that doesn’t really affect them. Now is that healthy in a relationship to have that sort of dynamic? My answer is no, and I’ll tell you why.

When you’re in a relationship with a “Yes, dear” man, there is something bad that subtly builds up over time. You would be not in a relationship where you honestly share thoughts, regardless of how insignificant the topic. If a topic is important enough to bring up, then it’s important enough to share honest opinions on it. And it’s a consideration for the other person to bring up a topic where his honest opinion is welcomed. If you fall into a pattern of bringing up topics, only to expect him to agree or else have him get an endless earful of why he should agree, then you are not being considerate and thus the “Yes, dear” relationship emerges. Resentment builds up, and then one day, you’ll be shocked that you didn’t know he felt that way.

Let me tell you right now, whatever the topic, you’re not 100% right. There will always be angles that you haven’t considered, so you should keep an open mind to receiving more viewpoints. Even when your man has a completely opposite opinion, it’s no less valid than your argument. Agree to disagree and then leave it. Perhaps bring it up again to remind him of your viewpoint if he forgets and doesn’t consider your viewpoint in his decisions. Argue again only if he welcomes a better understanding of your viewpoint, and ask for his opinion again only if you want a better understanding of his. If he refuses to share anything with you, regardless of how welcoming you are of his opinion, then you’re with the wrong man.

No one likes a “know it all” and honestly…you don’t know it all. I sure friggin don’t know it all.

My original intention in writing the article was to express what I’ve learned from my experience in such situations, which I conveniently called being the “home wrecker”. A more suitable label is probably “Inconsiderate Person”, “Selfish Individual”, or “Non Empathetic Human”. But somehow that term “Home Wrecker” is more to the point on the damage that is triggered by such behavior. I use the label only as a term to identify the situation, not to judge. Most of us use it to describe a person who knowingly pursues (romantically or sexually) someone who is in a committed relationship. But it’s too hard to say “look…it’s that inconsiderate-person-who-knowingly-pursues-someone-who-is-in-a-committed-relationship bitch”. Yup, that good ol’ term “home wrecker” just does it much more efficiently for most of us.

Although my original post was about the woman who is a home wrecker, I realize that there are male home wreckers as well (one of which has triggered the breakdown of my own marriage). But this blog is mostly about helping the female find perspective in life, so I address most of my articles to them.

In the home wrecking scene, there are 3 main players: the home wrecker, the cheater or potential cheater, and the person committed to the cheater or potential cheater. This is my quick assessment of the situation: ALL THREE PLAYERS PLAY EQUAL PARTS IN MAKING THE HOME WRECKING SCENE. This is just my opinion, and I feel qualified in making such a statement after having played all three roles in my life. I realize that this might not be a popular point of view, considering the amount of blame that was going back and forth on the comments. But remember, this is just my perspective for the purpose of giving you perspective.

The feedback on the previous article has revealed to me the extent of psychological damage a home wrecker can trigger. Many of the readers expressed their anguish and hurt. A couple of them went so far as to write into their comments specific names of people who have hurt them. To those ladies, I know it really sucks to be on that end of the situation, but I want you realize that your focus should be on your recovery, not on those who triggered the hurt. It’s probably not the best of time for me to tell you that you played an equal part in your hurt, but hear me out. I’m not here to judge anyone or tell anyone they’re wrong or lay any blame. My whole blog is dedicated to giving you, the hurt female, a different way of looking at things so you can move on from your hurt and find joy in things. The other two players have hurt you deeply, and in a way that you can’t logically explain. You don’t have to explain yourself. Go ahead and process the hurt because you deserve your time to heal. But somewhere in the back of your mind, just tuck away the idea that no one can truly hurt you except yourself (physical harm of course being the exception). We go through life thinking that we deserve honesty and respect, especially from those we are intimate with. But when we are treated with clear disrespect for our boundaries, we become frustrated and threatened of losing what we thought we deserved. Our focus then turns to blame because we aren’t ready to turn inward to process the hurt. And that’s OK. When you’re ready, and only when you’re ready, take a good look at your own life and how it led up to the home wrecking scene. Look at your choice in partners, look at the company you keep, look at the boundaries you’ve set, look at the lessons learned from previous relationships, look at where you’ve been, and finally…look at where you want to be. It’s all part of figuring out who you are. I know I say this a lot on my posts, but you’ll have to trust me on this…once you’ve figured that all out or at least come close to it, you will never find yourself in a home wrecking scene again. You’re in more control of the situation than you think. Remember that you can’t feel threatened if you’re with someone who gives you no reason to feel threatened. Trust your gut and figure out why you’re threatened.

I didn’t have anyone claim that they were the cheater or potential cheater, but I have some words for you guys that might help the other two players understand you a bit more. In most cases, it’s not a case of wanting to have your cake and eat it. It’s a matter of not being fulfilled in life. You are clearly confused about what you want. On one hand, you want a committed relationship. And on the other hand, you want something that violates that committed relationship. If you don’t want a committed relationship, don’t lie to others saying that you do. And for Pete sakes, don’t lie to yourself because you’re only going to burden yourself with guilt and confusion. It’s OK to admit you may have made a mistake in making a commitment. It’s OK to seek help if you think you’ve got a wandering eye. Realize one thing. Unless what your partner wants is a confused, sniveling cheat, you are not doing anyone any favors by keeping things hush hush, especially your going ons with the home wrecker. It really doesn’t matter if you haven’t had sex with the home wrecker. Do you or don’t you want a committed relationship? If the answer is yes, then tell the home wrecker to f**k off. It’s that simple. I don’t care if she boosts your ego. I don’t care if you get along superbly with her. Let it go…and do the mature thing for all. You’re not fooling anyone by saying “She’s just a friend…” You suck and you know it. Your partner is asking for respect for the relationship, and you’re not giving that to her by presenting this threat to her. Even if you have no intention of cheating…even if it’s illogical that your partner should feel any threat by your “friendship”….you need to consider your partner’s feelings. Part of a committed relationship is to be considerate of your partner’s feelings. Is your “friend” really more important than honoring your relationship? Once you’ve decided that you’ve found the person you want to commit to, you need to make room for the process of finding joy in that relationship. Your commitment can bring you the long term joy that you will never find in the quick ego boosts, so stick with it. If you have your doubts about having made the right choice, then you better take a really hard look at that. Let go of the committed relationship if that’s not the right person for you. Really…don’t force a square peg into a round hole. It’s also HIGHLY unlikely that the home wrecker is the one for you, because both of you are unstable. Of course, if you know you’re not confused and you know you just want to manipulate everyone to get what you want, then you’re a jerk so get lost. There’s nothing that any of us here can do for you.

Then there’s the final player: the home wrecker. One lady proclaimed she was a home wrecker, but was not at all remorseful of it. She saw absolutely nothing wrong in pursuing men in committed relationships, and actually found it to be sort of a sport. Well that one nearly knocked me off my chair. I didn’t expect that. Although I don’t agree with her that there is nothing wrong with her “sport”, she did have a good point that the relationships that she can damage are caused by the the weaknesses in those relationships. But of course she is the exception to the general role of a home wrecker. As I mentioned in my previous post, the home wrecker usually doesn’t realize she’s a home wrecker. She just thinks she’s in love and can’t stop thinking about him. To those ladies, here are my words of perspective. Love yourself first and foremost. The love you think you’ll find in a man who is committed to someone else is not love for yourself. It’s escaping the hard fact that you aren’t happy with your own life. Maybe you love the commitment he has for his partner, and maybe you want some of that for yourself. Maybe you are looking to see if you can get him to jump when you say jump for a quick ego boost. Maybe you love the secret rendezvous that makes you feel really special. It’s all smoke and mirrors. He’s either a jerk, or a very confused man, and you don’t want any of that if you want to have a healthy view of yourself. You’re not special to him. He is not treating you with the respect you think you’re getting from him. You’re just a crutch for the disabilities of his committed relationship. You don’t see it now, because you’re in the midst of it. But try stepping away from it to clear your head. Momentum in the wrong direction can always be reversed if you just stop to seek direction. Please please please leave it. Have some dignity and respect the protocol of a committed relationship. The sooner you give respect to the committed relationship, the sooner you’ll find yourself in one.

Everyone is finding their way in life. All three players of the home wrecking scene are looking for their answers, and they happened to have crossed each other’s path in a time when they don’t know their way. Some will find their way, others will remain stuck in their patterns. No one owes anyone anything, and yet we all have to live with each other in the universe. Let’s all realize the connection of everything and work with the flow instead of forcing things to work together. I may be right or I may be wrong in what I have just told you, but just chew on what I said for a little. Here’s what really counts, that you see there is more to life than just your perspective. Blaming is a mask for your own confusion.

Going ballistic is a sign of underlying troubles with yourself

My friend is an outstanding fellow who is confident, honest, and hard-working. Remember that I can sniff out jerks like a hound dog sniffing out crap stains on your underwear, so I know he’s not a jerk. After 3 months of dating his ex, he decided to end it because there were hints of incompatibility that started to be more visible each day. Even though they made holiday plans later in the year, he decided it was fair to everyone if he didn’t keep the relationship going. They’re both university students and were in the middle of exam season. Not the most convenient of times to break up, but when exactly is it suppose to be convenient?

I only met his ex twice, so I don’t really know her that well. But I can believe how some ladies, especially those in their early 20′s, react like crazy women whose hopes and dreams are dashed when a man tells them that their not the one. It’s going to be one of those hard life lessons that you have to learn about attaching yourself to a man you hardly know to the point of going ballistic when he’s gone. Self delusion about where a relationship is going is a very common mistake for young ladies. They look at things with googly eyes, believe that this man could be the one, and find all sorts of justification of why he seems perfect. Then when the big news comes that he really wasn’t the one, the hope bubble is deflated in one pin prick. Some go ballistic, others withdraw in self pity and shame.

To be fair to my friend’s ex, she did call him back to apologize for the poor behavior. I wish her a speedy recovery, because I know a blow up like that is very indicative of underlying difficulties with self acceptance. Apologizing is a great first step, but it will take longer to actually realize what went wrong.

Please please please don’t get so caught up in the fantasy that you’re not actually seeing what’s happening with the relationship. Trust me, it’s a gift when an honest guy has the courage to dump you in person. It’s the only thing he can do when he doesn’t see how you can be his long term partner. Jerks won’t have the same courtesy. Remember jerks don’t play fair, so they’ll string you along with their own hidden agenda and either drive you crazy for months on end or wait until it’s convenient for them to no longer have you on booty call.

Jerk or no jerk, get your head out of fantasy land and look carefully at the compatibility. A good question to ask yourself to check if you’re stuck in the fantasy is “Will I be fine if I he dumped me today?” If the answer is yes, then congratulations you’ve got your head screwed on right. If you answer no, then you’ve got issues with being by yourself. No man is going to save you from yourself.

Whining complaints show your self-dislike

How can you tell if you’re being positive or if you’re in denial? A tell tale sign that someone is in denial is when they complain loudly about others, while trying to push the image that they are not letting these people hold them back. “She really hates me so she’s trying to thwart my efforts to improve myself…but I’m really above her petty attempts and will shine in the end.” Oh really? Does she really think about you 24/7, carefully planning your demise? Or are you really hoping to see her demise so you can feel better that someone else feels bad about herself?

“They’re all against me, but I know that I must prevail.” Hmmm…Are they really all against you? Or, are you throwing yourself in their way so it would appear like they’re against you, but in reality you’re creating your own obstacles?

“These people don’t want me to succeed, but I will show them what I’m made of.” Are you really looking for a personal challenge? Or, are you already looking for excuses to why you aren’t succeeding?

Think about this carefully, folks. When you are in denial, you’re not at peace with who you are; you find all sorts of obstacles that create disharmony in your life so that you don’t have to face the fact that you don’t like who you are. You may tell others that you don’t care what others think and that you’ve got the “can-do” attitude despite the challenges. But what’s really happening is that you’re finding all sorts of “enemies” to lay blame for your anticipated lack of growth.

Compare that to truly accepting and loving yourself, when you don’t see any obstacles, and all you see are opportunities to grow in life. The struggle is all in your head.

A few years ago, a colleague told me over lunch that he really disliked spending his weekend with his girlfriend. He said it was like clockwork. He would be thoroughly enjoying his week at work, but when the weekend wound down on Friday afternoon, he felt an overwhelming dread because it was nearing time to fulfill his boyfriend duty by spending the weekend with her. She would show up at his door on Friday night, and it was implied that she stay until Sunday afternoon. He said it was grating him more and more every week because she would never want to do the things he wanted to, so they would end up just sitting around like lumps. He said he would be happy again on Sunday night.

After telling me that he couldn’t see the relationship going anywhere, I immediately asked him why he hasn’t already left. He responded by telling me that she was going through some pretty tough times with her mother being deported and that she doesn’t have many friends to lean on. He didn’t feel right in ending the relationship when it seemed she had nowhere to turn.

I thought to myself, say what? Let me get this straight…You purposefully lie to this girl with your actions by pretending to enjoy her company every weekend, but secretly you hate every moment of it. And you are willing to let her go on thinking that you enjoy her company by letting her come over and spend a couple of nights with you every week. And what’s it all for? Because she’s going through some “rough times” in her life so you don’t want to cause any more trouble for her.

Now if that ain’t a case of not-wanting-to-look-like-a-jerk-but-actually-are-one, I don’t know what is. I don’t know about you, but most people prefer your sincerity over being manipulated into thinking you’re a good guy. If that poor girl knew her boyfriend dreaded spending every weekend with her, would she happily be on his doorstep every Friday? Or even spend a second in his house? Probably not, unless she was a real inconsiderate, self-centered bitch. So what right does this jerk have in thinking that he knows best for her by not revealing his true feelings about her? If you give people a chance to show their resilience, they will rise to the challenge. Don’t stump someone’s growth by feeding them a false sense of security.

There’s probably a lot more to my colleague’s situation than was revealed to me over lunch, but I’m pretty sure he was headed down a path that involved lots of lying and lots of bitter feelings in the end. Bad guy, shmad guy…if you’re in this situation, you should really look at what is motivating you to stay in a dead end relationship. Is it really consideration for the other person, or is it your insecurity of what other people will think of you? Consideration for the other person means that you want him or her to find the opportunities of a happy life based on truth, not stay stuck with someone who is more worried about what others think…Grow some balls for Pete’s sake!