I’m one of the first to tell you that you’re not a victim in whatever circumstance you find yourself in. You might not be able to change your circumstance, but you certainly can change your reaction to the circumstance. If you lost your job, you can blame the lousy economy and wallow in the pity, or you can see it as an opportunity to change your career to something more suitable. If you caught your boyfriend cheating on you, you can blame the asswipe for breaking your expectations, or you can welcome the truth about who he is so you can re-evaluate his suitability for you. But what happens when the emotional pain that results from the circumstance seems to take over every inch of your body no matter how much you don’t want it?

Accept it. Allow the pain to fully surface and grip your life for a few moments. It’s okay. Even the most seemingly mature people have their moments of uncontrolled negative emotions that takes over their mental capacity to act rationally. These are the moments when old emotional issues that haven’t been addressed re-surface to let you know that it’s still there. I say welcome it! Give it the driving keys and sit back and let it have what it wants while you quietly observe. Even though you know you’re above the whiny, irrational behavior that’s coming through, you need to allow the negative feeling to completely come out of your system instead of driving back into the subconscious where it becomes a potential again.

So what’s the difference between allowing the negative emotion to pass through and fueling it for perpetuation? The key is your intention in experiencing it. You can either fully feel it with the intention of addressing it so that it does not re-cur, or you can intend to identify with it. If you choose to address it, then you make sure you’re in a loving environment that will allow you to experience it without judgement. If you choose to identify with it, then you make sure you’re around others who will help you perpetuate that feeling of being a victim.

I’ll give you a personal example of mine. Just recently after dinner, my partner H told me he was too tired to help me finish up one of his projects that immediately benefited him, and offered to help me the next day. At the exact point he told me he was too tired, I started to feel my blood boil and my breathing getting more shallow. I could feel the agression creep over my body completely. I knew it was irrational for me to feel this way. After all, he was tired and he did offer to help me later. So why was I in such a funk? I quickly decided to let the emotion play itself out so I could figure out what was happening. I told H I was feeling a lot of agression come over me and it was something I needed to release. I asked him if he would hold punching mitts for a few minutes (we’re both professional fighters so boxing gloves are always on hand). H was confused about why I was so aggressive, but he loved me enough to understand that I was trying to work through something and complied. He put on some gloves and held up his guard, allowing me to run a gammit of combinations on him while he stood still. As I allowed myself to fully feel that agression while teeing off on H, I began to search the archives of my experience for its source. It was probably a funny sight to any third party onlookers watching a little woman punch out a six foot tall man, but there was certainly method to all that madness. At the end of my punching spree, I was at the peak of my agression. I peeled off the gloves and threw them in the corner with a loud thud. Then I locked myself in the bathroom and sat quietly on the toilet contemplating about what I just did. I knew that H didn’t do anything wrong, but I was determined to figure out why I reacted like that.

Finally, it all came together while in the bathroom. I realized that my agression were residuals of the resentment I had for the previous jerk in my life who used me for favors. He tricked me out of thousands of dollars. He used me to build his websites and his friends’ websites. He used me with absolutely no appreciation or respect for who I was as a person. It didn’t really matter if that was the truth, but that was how I felt around him and I was never really able to release that feeling by telling him so. H triggered all that resentment in me when he told me he didn’t want to help me with his project when I asked for it. Poor H…all he did was say he was too tired to help, and suddenly punches were flying at him…Good thing he truly loves me…

After my revelation, I was immediately calm again. I quietly walked out of the bathroom and had a heartfelt discussion with H, apologizing and explaining what I was feeling. He immediately understood and was happy that I was communicating with him about it. He said he would do what it takes to help me address any negative issues I had because he didn’t like seeing me unhappy. I was at peace once more. I could have sulked until another distraction came along to make me forget about the anger. I could have called a girlfriend to complain about how unappreciative H was for not even wanting to help me finish something that I was doing for him. I could have gone in many other directions that would have perpetuated or supressed that anger. But instead, I chose to release it.